It has been months since I last threw something. I've gotten better at taking my deep breaths and moving into a calm place. I've learned to manage and control anger, but other side effects of depression like anxiety, fear and panic....seem to be a stronger force. I can feel it when the winds start to blow...first my fingers begin to tighten. Then the pacing begins, I go from one side of the house to the other. I run my fingers though my hair reminding myself not to pull or let the nails digging into my scalp run down my face. Deep breaths. Distract my self with light hearted conversations via text where I can attempt to trick my brain into thinking it's happy by adding smiling emojis to the thread. But then the storm that seems to have brought the agitating winds begin to twist and whip a little stronger until the closest object to me has seconds left of existence before I smash it into a nearby surface.
Tonight's innocent bystander was my glass full of green paint tinted water I was using for my current watercolor piece.
The shatter. There is something about the sound of the shatter that brings relief. Like a shaken up soda where the top has finally been taken off. Pressure released. Even as I look at the pieces all over the floor my muscles relax. My breathing slows. I'm okay with sacrificing the glass because for a moment I feel better. The moment of relief is quickly gone though as the damage of the broken item is scattered on the floor and whoever witnessed my behavior has a look of damaged emotions on their face. Relief moment, instantly gone. Sorrow has taken its place. I failed.
So, why do I share all these details that reveal a darker piece from my puzzle? Because I need to be better and maybe I can encourage YOU to be better.
I've read encouraging articles, I've saved cutesy verses and power quotes on Pinterest I try to read the Bible every morning but the information I have retained can be very easily forgotten in a moment on the battlefield against anxiety.
My big guilt struggle is that I know exactly what to do but I fight it just as hard as the winds are blowing around me. My own behavior amazes me though because I know very well that God is the one who can provide the most comfort and restoration of my joy that I need and long for. Unfortunately most of the time he is the one I'm the most angry at in the moment. Shame on me... I know. So can we try something the next time the raging winds start to take control? I'll do it. You do it. Pinky promise to give it a try?....drop to your knees and with hands out lay forward. You may think I'm crazy for suggesting such an action, but remember you're the one throwing things. So your face down in the floor, now what? Start talking. Ask God to overwhelm you with HIS peace. To calm your mind so you can discern the best way to behave in the current struggling moment. Even if you aren't alone, place yourself in an alone state of mind. Whoever is around will be fine to wait. Breathe. Soak in the calm.
I would consider this a drastic action. Not every moment needs you to bury your face in the floor but sometimes we and maybe the people around us need to see us doing a drastic action so that we can have a drastic change. Fight for your change and don't be scared to be drastic. Let the crazy fly in crying out to our Ultimate Comforter not in items across the house.
-em