Moment. Minute. Memory.

Moment- a point of time. In our lives we experience moments that stick with us through our lifetime and with others we shared them with even after we’re gone. They can be something sweet that make us smile or they can be heart wrenching, leaving us to embrace their “beauty” .

Minute- It takes one minute for life to change. One. A lot of you know my story but for those new here, I’ll recap. My dad and sister died Thanksgiving morning when I was ten . That was the first life changing minute in my life. Losing them is what inspired my photography business and is the root of why I push for people to document their MOMENTS not just smiling faces. Life isn’t all smiles….

Memories- After a life changing minute we are left with the memories prior to that minute. I apologize in advance as you read on, this is not a sunshine share. Sure, there are plenty of happy life changing minutes, but that post will be for another day. Today the focus is on the dark reality that you can lose a person in one minute. One.

After losing my dad and sister I always felt like my family was left holding their breathe hoping to not go through another tragedy minute forcing us to shift our lives again. We unexpectedly lost my dad’s brother in the fall of 2017. Again, another post for another day but we all were left clinging to memories before his last minute. Last April another life changing minute happened. I went from singing and laughing with my cousin while we watercolor painted on my living room floor, to packing a bag to make the 10 hour drive to Memphis where one of my 5 brothers lay in a hospital barely alive.

Another tragic minute.

Lives, changed.

Moments, gone.

Memories, remain.

My family and I spent the next 4 months fighting for my brother to stay alive. My mother found sleeping in a hospital recliner her new home. We lived off of coffee and granola bars. We all learned to be nurses at a speed no person should. I drove back and forth from Memphis to Burlington fighting to see my child every other week. (again, another story. another day). After 4 months of touch and go hospital hell we got to take my silent, non walking, fully dependent brother home.

This next part is the real life talk and feelings. I share these feelings strictly to hopefully encourage you to know that you don’t have to be “okay” in the moment you are living in. You can be a warrior and still cry. You can fight to rise above the darkness but you don’t have to force a smile through it all. Drop the mask…you’ll feel better. I promise. Oh, and even though the time feels dark…document it.

I miss my brother. But he’s alive you say. No, he’s not. My goofy smirking brother is not here. When I was fighting for him to stay alive I didn’t think this is where life would be. Have you ever had to grieve the loss of a person? Try grieving the loss of them while a form of them is still here while everyone around you is praising and rejoicing in their “progress” . My heart aches for more moments with my brother. So while I am fighting for my joy and to embrace this new normal I look back at photos with his smirky smile. But, I wish I would have documented more. Practiced what I preach. Document the damn moments.

I write this as a challenge to myself and to you. Life is crazy, believe me I know. But just pause for a moment and prioritize some time to document your life NOW. For the children you could leave behind. For the friends you laugh with. For the family who has been there through it all. Give people moments to keep forever because you are loved and one day you will be missed. For yourself, document moments with the people you hold dear enough that you don’t know what you’ll do when they’re gone.

Document. the. moments.

Lots of you have asked if I’m still shooting and the answer is, yes. Life over the past two years has been a rollercoaster so I set my business to the side. Now that the ripples of the past two years have calmed to a manageable state I am accepting new bookings. I don’t share this part of my life to make money. I don’t care who is behind the camera. hell, even behind the phone. Just document. If you happen to be interested in booking with me I would love to chat. Email me anytime. (hi.emhere3@gmail.com)

em

Shattered Glass

It has been months since I last threw something. I've gotten better at taking my deep breaths and moving into a calm place. I've learned to manage and control anger, but other side effects of depression like anxiety, fear and panic....seem to be a stronger force. I can feel it when the winds start to blow...first my fingers begin to tighten. Then the pacing begins, I go from one side of the house to the other. I run my fingers though my hair reminding myself not to pull or let the nails digging into my scalp run down my face. Deep breaths. Distract my self with light hearted conversations via text where I can attempt to trick my brain into thinking it's happy by adding smiling emojis to the thread. But then the storm that seems to have brought the agitating winds begin to twist and whip a little stronger until the closest object to me has seconds left of existence before I smash it into a nearby surface.

Tonight's innocent bystander was my glass full of green paint tinted water I was using for my current watercolor piece. 

The shatter. There is something about the sound of the shatter that brings relief. Like a shaken up soda where the top has finally been taken off. Pressure released.  Even as I look at the pieces all over the floor my muscles relax. My breathing slows. I'm okay with sacrificing the glass because for a moment I feel better. The moment of relief is quickly gone though as the damage of the broken item is scattered on the floor and whoever witnessed my behavior has a look of damaged emotions on their face. Relief moment, instantly gone. Sorrow has taken its place. I failed.  

So, why do I share all these details that reveal a darker piece from my puzzle? Because I need to be better and maybe I can encourage YOU to be better.

I've read encouraging articles, I've saved cutesy verses and power quotes on Pinterest I try to read the Bible every morning but the information I have retained can be very easily forgotten in a moment on the battlefield against anxiety. 

My big guilt struggle is that I know exactly what to do but I fight it just as hard as the winds are blowing around me. My own behavior amazes me though because I know very well that God is the one who can provide the most comfort and restoration of my joy that I need and long for. Unfortunately most of the time he is the one I'm the most angry at in the moment. Shame on me... I know. So can we try something the next time the raging winds start to take control? I'll do it. You do it. Pinky promise to give it a try?....drop to your knees and with hands out lay forward. You may think I'm crazy for suggesting such an action, but remember you're the one throwing things. So your face down in the floor, now what? Start talking. Ask God to overwhelm you with HIS peace. To calm your mind so you can discern the best way to behave in the current struggling moment. Even if you aren't alone, place yourself in an alone state of mind. Whoever is around will be fine to wait. Breathe. Soak in the calm. 

 I would consider this a drastic action. Not every moment needs you to bury your face in the floor but sometimes we and maybe the people around us need to see us doing a drastic action so that we can have a drastic change. Fight for your change and don't be scared to be drastic. Let the crazy fly in crying out to our Ultimate Comforter not in items across the house. 

-em